Most days I am ecstatic
In the embrace of a kind word
The seduction of a smile
The tease of a banter
The joy of a conversation
The thrill of a shared laugh
But sometimes like a thief
A doubt sneaks in
In a careless cold moment
I can’t help but wonder
What if they are just being nice
Being kind
Being tolerant
Or worse, pitying
And throwing morsels of themselves
At me
For me to pounce on
Like a hungry stray
What if they are
Just being charitable
Looking down as if at a beggar
A beggar drunk and lost
Tattered and broken
Broken and without soul
And they throw a penny of a word
As if their good deed of the day
I am the beggar in that moment
A moment of uncertainty
Insecurity
Not sure I know why
Or even want to know
Because knowing needs questioning
Questioning orders going back
Going back demands reliving
Reliving commands silence
And silence eludes me
Elusive Silence 