Wonder

Most days I am ecstatic

In the embrace of a kind word

The seduction of a smile

The tease of a banter

The joy of a conversation

The thrill of a shared laugh

But sometimes like a thief

A doubt sneaks in

In a careless cold moment

I can’t help but wonder

What if they are just being nice

Being kind

Being tolerant

Or worse, pitying

And throwing morsels of themselves

At me

For me to pounce on

Like a hungry stray

What if they are

Just being charitable

Looking down as if at a beggar

A beggar drunk and lost

Tattered and broken

Broken and without soul

And they throw a penny of a word

As if their good deed of the day

I am the beggar in that moment

A moment of uncertainty

Insecurity

Not sure I know why

Or even want to know

Because knowing needs questioning

Questioning orders going back

Going back demands reliving

Reliving commands silence

And silence eludes me

So am I

Do you sometimes feel inadequate

Undeserving and unwanted

Do you stop and wonder why

Life as is, was granted

Do you build walls around you

And sit alone in shame

Wondering if you yourself

Are the very one to blame

Do you hold all your secrets

Close to your own heart

So no one really knows you

No one gets a start

Are you broken and defective

Wicked but also shy

A flawed jagged shard of glass

Well blessedly — so am I

So come, walk beside me

And grab your cup of wine

Let’s drink to The maker

Yours and mine

Let’s agree He slipped up

Or maybe planned it all

Let Him be amused

As we edge the waterfall

Just right

If I go to the great mountain

Climb just enough high

Find just the right spot

With just the right view

The perfect warm sun

With the perfect cool breeze

The fragrance of the lilies around me

As the air settles in a hush

Sit down just so

And close my eyes slowly

And take one deep breath

Hold it in just a second longer

That pause right there

Is enough

Except I can be there right now

On the side of the road

In the swirls of murky air

With the buzzing of humanity around

Cloudy dark skies

Sweltering heat

The air hangs heavy

I can still close my eyes

Take one deep breath

Hold it a moment longer

And then that pause

Is enough

I have arrived

Home again

Right now

You ask why I am quiet today

You praise I have become wise

For a moment I revel

In a moment of stoked pride

The irony struck me quickly

If I am wise

How easily I am lifted

By kind extravagant praise

And just as easily broken

By a gentle rebuke

So wisdom aside

Where is my voice

Ah — the sad truth

Like a punch

Hits me hard

It is no wisdom

But fear — that freezes my words

But why am I afraid

When I know you would never hurt me

Or make fun of my words

What am I afraid of

I see my fears dancing

Fear of saying something wrong

Fear of loss

Fear of decay

And I did not realize

In the fear of a future unknown

I lost the gift of now

Because right now

You are here

And I am okay

I never was anything

I will always be nothing

But right now

I am whole

So unafraid again

I speak

Words falling over each other

I have not found the silence of wisdom

I tear up the silence of fear

Happily I ramble on again

Silence eludes me

No thank you

They say — sit with your child

Tell her you know it is afraid

You know it has been hurt

And is unable to hurt back

Sit with your child

And face your fears head on

Look them in the eye

To say you have moved on

But to do that, I expect

I will have to go far back

To a time I was the child

And live it all again

To feel the fear and hurt

And the anger and the pain

What if I get lost

And can’t find my way back

To be who I am today

And what if

Time stops

And I can not grow up

To wield my own sword

So no thank you

Not today

I won’t sit

I shall keep running

I shall keep doing

I shall keep burning

The child will have to wait

Who goes first

Do I worry more

About what you will endure

If I go first

Or do I fret

About all my regrets

If you go first

We don’t sit in the same boat

So definitely not going together

If I go first

You’ll be fine

We will meet again

On the other side

If you go first

I promise not to feel lost

It’s only a revolving door

And I can push through

Our demons

I don’t believe in strokes of luck

Or meetings, as if by chance

I don’t really believe in either

Everything is set in advance

It is rare one finds another

And forge a bond so strong

One can feel completely free

The other can do no wrong

One can watch the other smile

And want to smile along

One can safely bare a scar

And yet completely belong

One can share a dream or sorrow

Without the shame or regret

One can safely make mistakes

Knowing the other will forget

One can tell the other if it hurts

And be held until strong again

One can be a shield for the other

And yet there is no claim

One can safely talk of failings

And the other understands

One can ask for help no doubt

The other lends a hand

One can walk beside the other

Or one in front, the other behind

Whether standing near or far

Always together in mind

I don’t believe in chance or luck

To be naive, I don’t pretend

My demons play so well with yours

You must be an old friend

Is it raining there too

I step out in the rain

A pull as old as time

Tugging at my sleeve

Me going to Mine

I slowly raise my face

And look up to the skies

And let each raindrop kiss me

Let each one stop by

I am overcome by the joy

That your message has arrived

You wrote to me a letter

How You must have tried

I close my eyes and breathe in

Your fragrance in the air

Each drop is like a song

You sing with such flair

A smile on my face

I stand rooted to the ground

As each drop lingers on me

I can feel You all around

Tell me if you get my message

That I send back to You

Tell me if You hear me

Is it raining in heaven too?

Membership

One speaks

Another answers

Then another

Animated

High pitched

Back and forth

No silent contemplation

No sitting and watching

No Judging

Constant back and forth

Animated

Conversations

Of love

Of war

Of the plague

Of families

Of rain

Of summer

Of journeys

Heated discussions

Of the world

Of home

No quiet submissions

Easy gives

Half hearted nods

Only deep discussions

Back and forth

All loud and urgent

Never just one

As if a chapter meeting

At the crack of dawn

That has to decide

The fate of the universe

Right now

In the branches of the fig tree

Right outside my window

Now I wonder

Maybe I have been

With the wrong group of friends

I need this

How do I apply?

Become a member?

To join this wild conversation

Are wings a requirement?

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